The Blue Hue of Nipples Two
by Seiwrah
Summary: What if elf nipples turned blue when orcs were near? Well, Gimli would want to see Legolas shirtless, of course. (Inspired by this Tumblr post:


**Got ya! April Fool's! I decided to do something fun and post a crack oneshot I wrote a while ago. I never thought it'd see the light of day, but looks like it makes for a good joke! Hopefully it'll make you laugh, because it is totally ridiculous and should not ever be taken seriously. Enjoy!**

**I was inspired to write this beautiful disaster by this here Tumblr post: post/86053828267/deduction-to-seduction**

**(Also, if you're reading my fem!Bilbo fic, the next chapter will be posted by this weekend so keep an eye out for that!)**

Gimli had barely taken a swig of ale before it ended up sputtered all across the table. He began hacking unceremoniously and gawked at Legolas with mouth agape and beard drenched.

"What!?" he managed to blubber.

Legolas looked on with disguised interest, pleased with himself for unsettling the dwarf so. "Don't let your beard get twisted, my friend."

"What do you mean to say though? Your airy elf poetry does not bode well with my mind of rock and stone."

Legolas let a smile give way. "I actually meant it to be taken quite literally."

Gimli's mouth staggered; he was completely befuddled by what Legolas had told him! Yet he was also slightly intrigued, and required some sort of explanation. He broached the subject quite directly, as dwarves don't fancy tip-toeing around conversation.

"How in Durin's beard am I to believe that _your nipples turn blue_ when orcs are near?"

Gimli expected Legolas to admit it was only a joke, but he instead let out a ring of laughter which made Gimli all the more flustered.

"It happens to all elves, not just me!"

"Wha—but…how!?"

Legolas lifted a delicate shoulder and tossed back his flaxen locks, having them rest upon his back. He struggled to hide his pleasure in exasperating Gimli, which is in fact a very enjoyable pastime for Legolas, so it was with difficulty that he began solemnly. "I'm not sure you know, but orcs are a sub-sect of devolved elves whose hearts dwell in darkness. It has long been purposed by our ancestors that our nipples' unique qualities were derived from this very division in our race. The glow was meant to serve as a reminder of this, but we utilize it to act as a warning that our fallen brethren are near."

Gimli gazed up at Legolas, as fixated on his words as he was on his perfect pallid lips. Gimli noticed that his own were parted slightly, and he snapped them shut as Legolas turned to face him.

A silence grew between them, shrouding them in a veil of discomfort, solely on Gimli's part.

"That…" Gimli uttered flatly, "makes no sense."

Legolas grinned, a tease in his intentions. "You dwarves do not trust easily! Here, I'll offer further explanation. You know that the blades Glamdring and Orchist turn blue when orcs are near, yes? This is because they were forged by _elves_! We were able to infuse in the metal the properties that allow our own nipples to glow the very same luminous shade."

Gimli frowned and turned away, grumbling something incoherent.

"Speak up and cease your grumbling. We need to work on that."

Gimli gave him a quick scowl. "I _said_…I wish my nipples could turn blue." He regretted saying this immediately, on account of it causing Legolas' eyes to dance and hearty laughs to fall.

"My friend, your dwarvish armor is so layered and dense, that I hardly think your blue nipples would alert you of an orc's proximity—it would take you far too long to shed your metal sheath for the nipples to be of any service!"

For a moment words very much escaped Gimli. "Well—but—how…how do you know of your blue nipples without staring down at a bare chest then!? I've never seen you spontaneously strip to warn us of an orc's presence!" Gimli relished this thought for a moment before returning his attention to Legolas. "Go on then, explain!"

"My clothes are very light, Gimli. It only takes me a moment to peer down my shirt to see the bluish glow underneath." He toyed with his neckline for good measure, taking care to expose a good deal of skin.

Gimli reddened even deeper and averted his gaze before snatching up his ale; he was going to need it. Fiddling with his beard, he then grumbled something between gulps.

"Really, Gimli, that mumbling. What are you trying to say?"

"I…won't believe you until I see it for my own eyes," Gimli said in a low growl, eyes flicking to Legolas' chest.

Legolas' pale cheeks came alive with color, and he slid closer to Gimli, taking his mug of ale from him his sturdy grip and set it on the table.

"Well then…I guess I'll just have to show you then, now won't I? I know very well that there's no escaping the stubbornness of dwarves."

Gimli and Legolas stared at each other, suggestive smiles turning up the corners of their mouths.

Gimli glanced around sheepishly. "We've been tracking that orc horde for days…we're probably close enough by now."

"I agree. And you'll be able to see the glow much more clearly now that night has fallen," Legolas enticed, a coaxing hand on Gimli's shoulder.

With that, Legolas guided Gimli into the dark, following a path of starlight. It is right in saying that both of them were enlightened in more ways than one that evening.


End file.
